Day Eleven: Caesars Palace ($75)

I’m going to have to keep this brief. I’m roughly 12 hours late filing today’s installment of the diary but, you know what, I’m relaxed about that fact. Actually, right now, I’m relaxed about pretty much everything.

The fact that yesterday I did an interview at Cheetah’s strip club (more on that tomorrow) and they pre-authorized $150 to my card for a $25 bar tab?


The fact that they then proceeded to tell our little group to leave because we didn’t want a lap dance?


That an hour ago I finally checked in to the Excalibur and they gave me a room with someone already in it?


You see, today I had my first day at a spa and — seriously — why did no one tell me about these things before? Specifically, why didn’t I know about them while I was drinking? Those hangovers would have flown by.

The fact that I have never been to a spa before obviously has much to do with the fact that I do not have a uterus. That said, I gather it has become popular for couples to spa together, to celebrate anniversaries or other special occasions where men hope to get laid. Sadly, my relationships rarely make it to the one month mark, let alone a whole year so, again, no spas for me.

But then, a week ago — just after I arrived in Vegas — I received an email with the subject line “Let’s get naked in Vegas.” Of course my spam filter did its job perfectly and so it wasn’t until today that I was finally able to take its sender up on her kind offer.

Mindy Terry is the “spa consultant” (yes, that’s a job) responsible for putting together the treatments at the Sahra spa at Cosmopolitan. Her naked suggestion referred to a series of treatments called ‘the Sahra Journey’: all manner of rubs and scrubs with mud and honey and steam room and hot tubs and no small amount of nudity. Mindy was willing to offer me all of these things, for free; presumably on the basis that I might write about them. Good call, Mindy.

Apparently the “Journey” is designed for couples. Mindy and I are not a couple, but it’s a pretty good rule that you shouldn’t turn down a) a free spa treatment or b) the opportunity to be naked with an attractive spa consultant.

The result: by 2 o’clock this afternoon I’d gone from being a spa virgin to a spa veteran; a newly-minted metrosexual. Also, Mindy had gone from being a complete stranger to, well, someone I’d spent half a day with; the two of us lying naked, side-by-side on a heated slab. Here’s what I learned during those hours…

1) If you really want to get to know someone quickly, have a couple’s session at a spa with them.

2) If you want to retain even the merest hint of professionalism: not so much.

3) If you’re going to have a two and a half hour spa treatment, make sure you finish your day’s work first.

4) Seriously.

Normal service resumes tomorrow.

Categorized in: