Oxford Street was alive today. Alive with the sound of Scientologists. “Free stress test, sir?” “Free stress test, madam?” Step right up, grip of this metal tube in your gullible hands, answer fifty simple questions, buy our shitty book and all of your troubles will gargle away, like money down a plughole. Fucking leeches.

But evil as ‘Dianetics’ is – at least it isn’t the Daily Mail.

Obviously, everybody with even half a brain hates the Daily Mail – everybody – and yet they still sell 2.4 million copies every single day. And that’s before you consider the actual readership figures which are nearer six million. And then there’s the Standard with 424,000 copies and more than one million readers and the Metro which boasts a modest readership of 825,000. A total of 7.8 million people every single day lapping at the stinking outlet of the Associated Newspaper sewer.
But Associated are still hungry. London commuters can’t have failed to have noticed the Mail’s new attempt to increase their ‘reach’ – a poster campaign with the simple slogan: ‘The Daily Mail: Stays on your mind, not on your hands‘. Yes, like a bag of fascist M&Ms, The Mail is going for the lucrative obsessive compulsive pound – hiding their rightist poison inside a Trojan horse of heat set ink.

Buy The Daily Mail because the ink doesn’t rub off on your fingers. A simple message, but one absolutely dripping with contempt. Fuck it, why stop there: ‘The Bible. Our print is slightly bigger than the Koran’s.’ ‘Das Kapital: Shorter than anything PJ O’Rouke has ever written.’ ‘Tony Parsons: A good foot taller than John Pilger’. I mean, honestly. Between that and the tokens on the front of the Metro for a free Mail On Sunday, you’d think Associated Newspapers was peddling washing powder, not reactionary, racist, middle-England bile. In fact, there’s a terrifying thought, maybe they do think they’re selling washing powder. They should do a doorstep challenge. Whiter than white or your brain back.